HE SAID, “NO”
I wrestled with God today. I dove into the lap lane of the pool at my gym and fought the waters with every muscle contained in my body. I told Him what I wanted. I demanded it from my very being. My heart screamed at Him. My soul was determined to make Him understand. He responded. He said “No.”
I swam faster. My heart raced as I cried angry tears under the water. I expressed my frustration and resentment towards Him, because I’ve had to wait so long for this one thing I want. I was tired of the “weight” of the “wait”. It wasn’t fair. I’ve been faithful in the small things. I want more. He still said “No.”
Out of breath and gasping for air, I decided to entreat Him with a lighter approach. Instead of attacking my backstroke, I chose to convert to ballet in the water. Along with every “grand battement passé, de’veloppe’” I did, I begged him to let me do what I wanted to do. I just wanted my way. I pleaded with him and stated my case with persuasive rationalizations. “Please…Please….Please…Pretty Please?” He still said “No”.
“I don’t like your answer! I want to do what I want to do and I don’t want any repercussions from You! I’ve had it!” I exclaimed through my soul. My heart was gently reminded of what consequences could follow, if I chose to not listen to “The Fear of God” spirit He put in me so long ago.
I attacked my backstroke with a vengeance. I just needed to swim. I just wanted to shut out the voice I knew so well….the voice that said “No”. It wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what I felt I deserved. But, when I reached the pool’s edge, exhausted and weakened by my physical exertion and emotional turmoil, I sighed. I submitted. I told Him I would do what He wanted.
Suddenly He reminded me of the red flags, full of horns that had reared their heads 3 weeks ago…….. red flags of “lawlessness”, my heart chose to ignore. He reminded me of what those red flags could turn into, and how my heart could be ravaged. His answer was firm. He said “No”.
With tears welling in my eyes, as I walked into the locker room, my heart said these words, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
So, with a “will” that trumped my “heart”, (strength only given by Him)
I let go of that which I desired. Despite all of my intense emotions and feelings, it all comes down to this…I trust Him with my heart. I gave it to Him long ago. So I will obey, simply because He said, “No.”
Until next time, or Once upon a time, I'll be seeing you...
His Evening Star,
Natalie Foreverland